I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
