I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
