My Higher Power is John Stamos
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
