saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
