The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
