even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
