i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
