Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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