did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
