God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
