Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
