if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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