did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
