good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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