I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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