I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
