My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
