If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
