true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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