My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
