weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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