I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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