I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
