i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
