While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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