he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
