I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I love you.
Bad choice
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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