I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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