You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
