I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so let's talk penis.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
