you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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