I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
