I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
