I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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