Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
