I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
