I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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