at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
time to smoke my breakfast
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
