Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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