I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
