her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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