Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
