i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
