You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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