now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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