Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made him laugh his dick is mine
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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