I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
