Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
