I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
what day is it and did you see me today?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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