oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
