Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
