so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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