I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
