I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
