bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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