A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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