If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize