I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
