Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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