I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
