just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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