Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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