it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You may now shotgun with the bride
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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