Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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