My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
