I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
