So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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